ADHD and the Multiverse of You
How diagnosis and medication can reveal an alternate you
Everyone’s in on the multiverse craze these days. From Everything Everywhere All at Once to Marvel movies and shows.
My turn. A neurochemical adventure through the multiverse!
Alternate realities. Parallel universes. Different timelines.
Different versions of the same person. “Variants” to borrow from Loki.
Small differences in past events branching out in weird and unexpected ways. Seemingly innocuous choices leading to fractally diverging outcomes. Paths taken or not taken.
Standing up to the school bully. Deciding to take that job. Ignoring that phone call…
What would your life look like if one small choice was changed? What else would be affected? Where would you be now? Who would you be?
You are largely the choices you made. Even when you didn’t think you were making them — not making a choice is still a choice. Driven by how you thought, felt, acted and responded. Taken as a whole they form a complex and rich tapestry. That’s your life. That’s you.
“Tapestry” is also an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where the omnipotent Q shows Picard an alternate life he could be living if one choice in his youth was made differently. A choice he had regretted since but by the end of the episode realises it made him the person he became. Someone self-assured and living a life of purpose and meaning, unlike the life of the alternative self he is shown.
Choices aren’t only about where we live or the kind of work we do. They fundamentally shape who we are. Our identity, personality, preferences and also which other choices open up to us. Or narrow.
These choices are made based on rules in our heads. By “rules” I mean the complex balance of neurochemicals and the various systems that make up our brains.
Much of who we think we are boils down to neurochemistry.
So what does any of this have to do with ADHD?
I’ve been reflecting since my diagnosis and after starting medication. I went on a journey and became a different person. The person writing this.
Or rather, a “variant” of me slipped in from an alternate reality.
Okay, this is all about to get existential, metaphysical and a little silly. But there’s a point to it too so bear with me. And buckle up.
First a quick explainer on ADHD.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Is about more than attention deficit and hyperactivity. That’s a couple of symptoms but it barely scratches the surface.
It’s about a fragile nervous system that is easily overwhelmed, cutting off and going into involuntary fight or flight. Strong emotions can’t be controlled and decisions become difficult or even impossible.
It’s caused by genetic and environmental factors that irreversibly alter brain structure and chemistry resulting in lifelong lowered dopamine and norepinephrine. The neurotransmitters that handle alertness, attention, focus, reward, pleasure, wellbeing, self-esteem and confidence. Low levels resulting in anxiety, overthinking, decision paralysis, rejection sensitivity and a need to keep chasing reward and stimulation to keep the dopamine topped up. And of course there’s attention deficit and hyperactivity too.
The dopamine and norepinephrine deficits change how someone thinks, feels, acts and responds. So different rules and different choices. All skewed to either managing threats and protecting the nervous system or feeding the neverending dopamine hunger. Unable to sit still or be present. Restless and always on the go.
Either safe choices with no risk taking. Settling. Or impulsive and hurried choices without thinking. All or nothing.
How would choices like that shape your life? Who you are, your personality. your preferences? What friends would you have? What clothes would you wear? Would it affect the food you eat? The way you walk? The coping strategies you develop? The stories you tell yourself and others? What you’re drawn to and what you avoid?
If you have those deficits then this is how your choices have been shaped. Driven by rules that left you oscillating between reward seeking and survival rather than rules favouring feelings, connection and being present.
If you have ADHD then ADHD made you who you are. It is an unchangeable and inseparable part of you. A you without ADHD isn’t who you think you are.
What if it could be silenced? Be made to disappear? Who would you be?
This is what I found during my journey with stimulant medication over several months. My dopamine and norepinephrine levels boosted, simulating what my brain would be like if I didn’t have ADHD. A nervous system no longer fragile. Able to regulate my emotions. Able to review all the events of my life without looking away. Using the increased focus and concentration from the norepinephrine. Able to sit with my thoughts and feelings. Processing, feeling deeply, letting go.
Much of what I’d held onto as “childhood trauma” turned out to be ADHD. And a lot of what I thought was “just me” also turned out to be ADHD. Conflict avoidance, fear of intimacy, overthinking, anxiety, people pleasing, self-sabotaging, negative self-talk… I thought that was simply me. Then it all went.
I was forced to confront the choices I’d made. The times I’d run away, given up, given in, frozen up or simply shut down. Wrecking something myself. Better that than face the pain of failure.
I went back and forth over my own timeline.
So much due to low dopamine and norepinephrine. As simple as that. No one to blame.
Raising them meant strong emotions could be handled. Conflict didn’t need to be avoided, there was no risk of freezing up or shutting down. Decisions could be made with ease. Rejection no longer felt like a life or death issue.
It seems the choices I’d made, the paths I’d taken or those I’d turned away from, and where they later led, were all determined in large part by my brain chemistry.
Who would I be if my levels had been “normal?” How would my life have branched?
That can’t realistically be answered. Any choice in the past could be endlessly speculated on and extrapolated to go off in near infinite ways.
But I do have some ideas. I am the variant who would have made those different choices with my different set of rules and priorities. Choosing connection and happiness over reward, stimulation and pure survival.
As a result maybe I wouldn’t be as well developed across so many dimensions. Maybe not having as wide an array of skills, knowledge and experience. Likely not so well travelled either. Maybe a less interesting person in some ways without a dopamine deficit driving me ever onwards to new frontiers and forever chasing the horizon.
But then I’d have been spared long periods of burnout, social withdrawal and isolation too.
I would likely have been happier, more at peace and more connected to myself and others. Would have worried less. Been more present. And more confident, lacking anxiety and able to take risks. In touch with and guided by feelings. Able to sit and simply be.
This me can do all that. This me is a more serious and mature person. At peace. Calm. This me knows what he wants and how to get it.
The old me had glimpses of this variant at times. When the walls between realities were weak, the dopamine and norepinephrine stars aligned for brief moments. So this moment was prepared for.
I’ve decided to stay. To take over the life of the me from this reality. He did really well in a lot of ways. But a disappointing lack of happiness and human connection. So he won’t be coming back. He was at an impasse and could go no further. Stuck in loops, unable to break free. So I’ll be taking it from here.
The past can’t be changed but the future can branch in new and unexpected ways. Patterns can be changed. A new tapestry can form.
So there it is. Changing your neurochemical balance can reveal a different you. One who thinks, feels, acts and responds differently.
But don’t worry, all versions of you are valid.
Which you do you want to be? Maybe you’re not who you’re meant to be? Maybe you’ve had glimpses of another version of you?
Who could you be?
Open yourself up to the possibilities of the multiverse and go on a neurochemical odyssey.
Find your best variant.
I did.
“Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.”
